Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive