Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?