[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face