ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Saving my good tweets for marriage
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside