difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.