I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”