My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.