Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.