ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I would move hell over six inches for you
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I feel this so hard
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.