Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
back to work
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
first you must answer his riddles
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.