I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
How animals would run if they were human
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Sharon I have some bad news
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”