When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My blood type is coffee.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”