A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Wait for it
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15