there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.