I don’t think my car can fly
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
.. do you even science?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.