doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.