How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston