“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.