me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Discuss
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.