I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Every work meeting this week
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.