Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
This week’s mood.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong