My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
men, we mow at sunrise.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The French word for sex is croissant.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
We cut our bangs at dawn.