I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Most fashion shows these days…
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.