2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there