Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I feel it
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please