The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My patience has stretch marks.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.