You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
💁🏻♂️
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.