Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
You Might Also Like
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.