Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
It’s a gift
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish