Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries