Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.