A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
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HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Boating season is upon us.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps