I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
$3 #books
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park