[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
don’t be scared
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?