Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.