Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
We all have our pet causes.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT