I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex