I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Go hard or stay average
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.