Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.