as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Okay
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The first matador
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.