which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
im all 3
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.