Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
You Might Also Like
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.