Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Wake me when AI does housework
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Europe. Made in Germany.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.