anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.