I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.