Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
📽️movie date🎞️
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Everything reminds me of my ex
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…