For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
another case of gang violins
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!