Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it