*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.