“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
You Might Also Like
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef